Yesterday’s word count: 1464

Monthly total: 2,863

Blog posts and fanfiction. Worked more on You Can’t Fight Destiny. Hayley and Elijah flirting, while Elijah has no bloody clue who she is, is kind of giving me life, right now. And have now gotten to the part of this adventure where Josh is interrogating Hayley about what she’s doing there. It’s a lot of fun.

Stayed in my calorie budget and walked 6,943 steps. So, diet is going better than it did on Tuesday. Still have not cleaned anything. I did read some. New chapter of my favorite fanfic was posted, yesterday, so I started rereading it to refresh myself on it. Which, I got so caught up in it that it was almost 11pm before I wrote anything beyond my blog posts. Oops.

Honestly, I’m just glad I survived it. After waking up so bloody early, my body decided that it was bedtime right as I needed to get dressed and eat breakfast so I could go to work. And then work was crazy slow, which did not exactly help my energy levels at all.

But, I’m baby-stepping my New Year’s resolutions. And, I kind of like doing it that way. Only thing I’m trying to go all-in on is the writing. Other than that, I’m just working my way up to where I want to be. Which probably actually makes more sense than going all gung-ho the first week in January and then burning out. There was a thing on the radio about how most New Year’s resolutions only last about two weeks, and the second Friday in January is known as Quitters Day. I’d rather ease into things and gradually create habits I can stick with, than bite off more than I can chew and end up participating in Quitters Day.

So, that was my day, yesterday. Gonna admit that today is not looking great, but will hopefully get some more of YCFD written tonight to reach my word count goal. And, if not… that just means I’ll need to step it up this weekend.

I ended the day with 1,399 words. Part of that was yesterday’s blog post. The rest was fanfiction. Started a fun one-shot of Elijah and Klaus helping Hayley break her Sirebond. Elijah’s reaction to walking in on the first half of that process was kind of funny. Though, my favorite lines from it were all Klaus’s dialogue. Apparently, yesterday was my day to write a damn good Klaus Mikaelson. But then I couldn’t bring myself to write a Humanity-less Hayley. So, I put that one on the backburner for a bit. Switched over to You Can’t Fight Destiny. Doing a time-skip to Hayley arriving in France. Right now, I’m writing the meeting scene from 5×11 from Josh’s POV and it’s cracking me up.

The rest of my resolutions didn’t go so well. I blew my calorie budget by 110, didn’t exercise, took a whopping 913 steps, and didn’t read a single word of fiction. I also didn’t clean much of anything, and did no schoolwork. Oh well. I will probably wait and start the exercise program on Sunday or Monday. Give myself the rest of this week and the weekend to get some cleaning done – since I still have a bit of a mess on my floor from adventures in wrapping Christmas presents.

So, that was my day, yesterday. Hopefully, today will be a bit better. But… I woke up at 3:30 and couldn’t get back to sleep. I’m not holding out much hope for my energy levels today…

Okay! I am horrible at this. But! I have a new plan. And it’s… pretty similar to my LAST plan. I intend to start blogging book reviews. And try to write coherent commentary on whatever I’m watching. And try to be better about keeping y’all updated on what I’m working on. So, first of all, today, a bit a breakdown of my plan.

This is going to be a bit of a public diary/accountability tool.

I have committed to a thing called Dectheshelves. Basically, a bunch of us are each buying a book a day the first 25 days of December from Indie authors. I want to read at least those 25 books and write reviews of them during 2019.

I have also decided to do a half-milwordy in 2019. I have the never-ending revision of Sangue Collina Book 1 that I intend to at least have ready to send to editors and beta readers by my birthday (Which is July 1). I also want to get first drafts of both Sangue Collina Book 2 and a fantasy novel I’m going to be writing as the project for a writing class I’m taking. Between that and my fanfiction, and counting my blog posts, 1,370 words a day should be doable.

I’m on a mission to get myself more organized. So, trying to clean/organize and stuff. Hopefully, the accountability posts on that will not be needed for very long. I am also trying to lose weight. So, there will be a bit of an exercise log in there, too.

Format for the daily accountability posts will be:

• Yesterday’s final word count, and running totals for the month and year
• A bit of discussion about what writing I worked on the day before
• A quick note on whether I stayed in my calorie budget, my step count, and exercise log
• A quick note on which book I’m reading, and where I’m at in it.

What is complicating this a bit is that there will be days when I post up to three blog posts in one day. Which makes me wonder if I’m going to end up annoying the tar out of people. But, there will be my daily accountability post; possibly a commentary on whatever I’m watching, or something of that sort; and possibly a book review.

Anyway… Speaking of commentary on what I’m watching… I’m seriously wanting to do ANOTHER marathon of The Originals. One episode a day. And blog my favorite scenes from each episode and why I love them. Mostly, these will be my favorite Haylijah moments. Because, 12 Monkeys may have claimed the top spot as my favorite tv show of all time, but… as much as I love Cassie and Cole, Hayley and Elijah are still my OTP.

Technically, this is basically my New Year’s Resolutions list. But, I’ll probably be starting at least part of it, today. Which means, I’ll probably be back tonight with a discussion about Episode 1 of The Originals.

I don’t blog enough. I really need to change that. To attempt to facilitate that, I am letting my Tumblr blog die. I had started it as a place to talk about books I was reading and things like that. I’m not sure why I thought that had no place on my writer’s blog.

After all, the kinds of things I like to read influence what I write. Not directly. But, the two are related. My favorite books have elements that are also the kinds of things I like to write. I’m a sucker for a good love story. Hopeless romantic, and all. And Fantasy is my favorite genre. And every story I write has some kind of magic and a love story as at least a subplot. Love and magic is my happy place.

So, there are a couple posts I’ve already posted on Tumblr that I’m going to copy over here. And I’m going to keep using this blog to talk about what I’m reading. Or what I’m watching. Expect some talk of The Originals. I’m currently marathoning it, and I know I will have things to say once I get into the last season. (I already have a tribute to one of my favorite characters writing itself in my head.) I’ll probably have things to talk about before then, too.

Oh, I’ll still have my random posts about whatever other topic I happen to find worth writing about at that moment. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t.

But, it is past my bedtime. And I’m running on three hours of sleep. And I’m probably not entirely coherent. Tomorrow I’ll post the first of my crossover posts.

A twitter friend was talking today about feeling like an impostor, and that with all the bad stuff happening in the world, whether or not she gets her books published seems like such a small thing. I’ve had bouts of feeling like that, myself. I firmly believe that I am going to live to see the end of the world. And it’s scary. And it makes writing seem like such a pointless pursuit.

But, reading her thoughts on that made me think of other conversations I’ve had with other writer friends. Yes, the world is going to Hell in a handbasket. Yes, it is looking more and more like we will live to see the end of the world. But, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t keep writing. That doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t keep sending our words out there.

Because now, more than ever, the world needs fiction. We need an escape. We need a chance to take a step back and make the world go away for a little while.

When the Titanic was sinking, the dance band knew they weren’t getting off that ship. They were going to die. And so, they did the only thing they could do. They kept playing. They did what they could to make the last moments of the others who weren’t getting off that ship a tiny bit better.

When we end up destroying ourselves, there won’t be any lifeboats. Nobody is getting off this planet. When the end comes, it will come for all of us.

I am writing stories that probably don’t matter much in the grand scheme of things. But, if I can make the world go away for a little while for even one person, then I will consider myself a success.

So, for all you creative types out there, wondering what the point of artistic expression is in a world quickly going to Hell, I am going to repeat what I said to my friend. “We may very well be the dance band on the Titanic, but that doesn’t mean we should quit playing.” The world needs us, now more than ever.

So, after buying a book because the author blogging her daily progress of wrting it fascinated me, I have decided to try my hand at something similar. My Nano project this year is going to be the rewrite of the first book of my vampire series. Because, yay me, I have finally gotten through enough of my revision course that I am on the actual rewrite, now. So, in keeping with my plan to blog daily about my progress, I’m going to kind of try to get you up to date.

I’ve spent the entirety of 2017 prepping this revision. I’ve had a lot to learn before I could get to the point of actually doing any writing. The original was a mess. I’m not going to get into the details of everything that went into planning this revision. Partly because I don’t even remember everything, anymore, and partly because it would probably bore you. At least as a recap. You might find it all more interesting if I was going over it as I was doing it. I guess we’ll find out once I have Book 2 written and ready to be taken through the gauntlet.

So, let me just tell you what I’ve been working on in October. Which has mainly been working out conflict arcs and fixing my timeline and my outline. It’s been a kind of frustrating process. Part of the problem has been because I write about vampires. Yes, this affects my timeline. After all, I have from sunset to sunrise. That’s it. There is no “caffeine and adrenaline” to fall back on when the days seem to be lasting too long. And, not only do I have from sunset to sunrise and that’s it – this book starts the end of March and ends the beginning of September. In other words, spring and summer – when the nights are shortest.

Of course, in some ways, the short nights end up helping. The fact that it’s the summer, and there is only so much time available in a night comes in handy with stretching this out over 5 months. And I need those 5 months, since one of the major subplots involves a pregnant werewolf. And pregnancy is a very definite timeframe that you can’t really play with too much. At least not without introducing other issues.

But, I’ve managed to get a proper timeline worked out, and in the process finished fixing my outline. I now have a very tightly plotted book where EVERYTHING happens for a reason, and there is an unrelenting march from the first scene to the last. And it is awesome. I love it. I also cried while working on it.

I am now playing with time a bit. Moving scenes around so they aren’t in chronological order. My opening scene is now a flash-forward. I have a few flashbacks. It turns out that fixing the timeline was a cinch compared to coming up with the best narrative outline, and I have one scene I’m still not too sure about the best place to put it. (At least partly because what is possibly the best place to put it has no way to segue into it – unless I go all “omniscent narrator” for the transition sentences. Which is not a technique I use anywhere else in the book. So… Not sure that will work.

But, I do have a reason for playing with scene order, beyond just wanting to find the best way to tell THIS story. Book 3 is my prequel. Except the narrative structure is kind of bizarre. It’s a frame story, with the frame taking place during the same time frame as books 1 and 2. The prequel part is going to be told in flashbacks. And told out of order as various events in the frame part of the story remind characters of things that happened in the past. It’s quite possibly going to be a structural nightmare. But! It has occurred to me that getting readers used to the idea of me playing with time a bit might help me not lose them when it comes to that one.

I am also really glad that I’m revising this book before writing book 2. I shudder to think of the mess I’d be making if I had written book 2 and then made all the changes I’m making to book 1. At least now I can go into 2 with all the events of 1 in mind. Not the least of the issues being that I’ve got characters that had originally been introduced in book 1 that ended up getting cut. I can just see me trying to make sense of characters that didn’t exist in book 1 randomly appearing in the first scene of book 2. That would have been fun – not.

Okay, that last paragraph was me babbling trying to get in my 100 words for a daily writing challenge before midnight while I wait for Nano to start. The fun starts in an hour. I’m in a weird place of part of me being excited, and part of me struggling to stay awake, because it is 11pm and I was up at 5:30 in the morning for some ungodly reason that can pretty much be chalked up to “my body hates me”. I’ll be back after I’ve written all the words.

On this day in 1776 (well, not really, but this post isn’t meant to be a History lesson) 56 brave men signed a formal declaration of treason. Not quite how the History books teach it, is it? From this side of history, it’s hard to see it that way. We celebrate today as the anniversary of the day we became a separate country. But, that’s not actually how it happened at all. The war was nowhere near over. America was nowhere near being its own country. At that point in history, the Declaration of Independence was essentially 56 men telling their own king to go fuck himself.

Consider if the American Revolution had gone differently. Consider if the Colonies had lost that war. Here were 56 men who signed a document calling their king a tyrant. And, remember that at the time that that document was written and signed he WAS still their king. They were still British citizens at that point. And had they lost the war, they would have stayed that way. Consider for a minute what would have happened to those men. It is hardly a stretch to think that they would have been formally charged with treason. And with their own signatures as evidence, they would have been convicted.

This may sound a bit far-fetched, but one of the crimes that were considered high treason was levying war against the king in his own realm. Considering that the Declaration of Independence was also a declaration of war (despite the war having already started, History is complicated), it certainly fit the definition. And, according to Wikipedia the penalty for high treason at that time was horrific. I won’t get into it. You’d probably lose your lunch if I did.

And they would have known that. They would have known what would happen to them if they lost.

Tonight, we’ll set off fireworks, and we’ll celebrate the anniversary of a date that isn’t actually as significant as we think. The war had started over a year ago, with the battles of Lexington and Concord. America wouldn’t actually become a separate country until September of 1783. Today isn’t even the anniversary of the day the American Revolution became a war of secession. That happened on July 2. Today is the day the Declaration itself was ratified.

So, while you’re setting off your fireworks, tonight. Remember that what we are celebrating tonight was an act of high treason, punishable by death. Remember those 56 men who were risking their lives just by signing that document. Remember that we are who we are because they were willing to die for what they believed in.

Remember them:

John Hancock (president of the Continental Congress), Josiah Bartlett, William Whipple, Matthew Thornton, Samuel Adams, John Adams, Robert Treat Paine, Elbridge Gerry, Stephen Hopkins, William Ellery, Roger Sherman, Samuel Huntington, William Williams, Oliver Wolcott, William Floyd, Philip Livingston, Francis Lewis, Lewis Morris, Richard Stockton, John Witherspoon, Francis Hopkinson, John Hart, Abraham Clark, Robert Morris, Benjamin Rush, Benjamin Franklin, John Morton, George Clymer, James Smith, George Taylor, James Wilson, George Ross, Caesar Rodney, George Read, Thomas McKean, Samuel Chase, William Paca, Thomas Stone, Charles Carroll of Carrollton, George Wythe, Richard Henry Lee, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Harrison, Thomas Nelson, Jr., Francis Lightfoot Lee, Carter Braxton, William Hooper, Joseph Hewes, John Penn, Edward Rutledge, Thomas Heyward, Jr., Thomas Lynch, Jr., Arthur Middleton, Button Gwinnett, Lyman Hall, and George Walton.

Yeah, I’m swearing. In the title to a blog post. There will likely be more swearing in the post itself. Deal with it. Because I am pissed, right now.

[Trigger Warning: This post talks about suicidal thoughts/ideation and the act itself as well as referring to one author’s utter lack of tact with regards to same. If you’re not comfortable reading, that is completely okay and I understand—I’m only semi-comfortable writing it.

If you do continue reading, for context, please read the following post by V.E. Schwab. It explains and links to the things I’m going to refer to.] 

(Trigger warning was copied verbatim from this post by my friend L.M. Murphy)

The writing community always seems to be in the middle of some shitstorm or other. Especially if you either are, or follow YA writers. It makes sense that they would be at the center of things. After all, they’re the ones influencing the people most at need of having someone who understands them. Which I’ll get back to, later.

In the past couple weeks, the YA writing community has had not one, but two shitstorms brew up. I stayed out of the first one. There were others who were tackling the Voya mess far more eloquently than I could have. So, I left them to it.

But this time… This time, I am the one being attacked. And for once in my life, I am going to stand my ground. Because I owe it to all the kids who are currently where I once was. And I owe it to those who saved me to pay it forward.

So… let’s start with my story. I’m not going to get into why I was suicidal. I had my reasons. But I’m not ready to share them yet. I hope that there never comes a shitstorm that forces me to share them. But, you don’t need to know my reasons to understand what I’m about to say.

I was six the first time I tried to overdose on the heart medicine that, among other things, slowed my heart rate down. Yes, I was well aware of what I was doing, and what the outcome would be. There were other attempts over the next eight years or so.

When I was twelve, I met the girl who was the first one I could really talk to about my reasons. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t alone. There was someone who understood me. At fourteen, I had another friend tell me that the next time I tried a stunt like that, he would damn well let me die, then bring me back so he could kill me himself.

Those two friends saved me. They gave me someone who understood me, and let me know that there were people who would care if I died. I’m still not completely better. I feel the same way about being suicidal as my father feels about being an alcoholic. “There is no such thing as a recovered alcoholic, only recovering.” Funny the difference a suffix makes.

But, being suicidal is the same. At least for me. I will always be suicidal. I’m just much less likely to try to act on it now than I was as a kid. I can deal with my inner demons better now, than I could then. Doesn’t mean they aren’t still there.

But, enough about me. I am not what this blog post is about. This is about Tommy Wallach, and his disgusting post (since taken down) about literary suicides, ranked by emo-ness. Not to mention his even more disgusting joke about jumping off of the bridge on the cover of his latest book.

Yes. You read that right. There is a writer – a YA writer – making jokes about suicide. Think about that for a minute. Remember my opening to this post? About YA writers being the ones influencing the people most at need of having someone who understands them? THIS is how this asshole uses his influence? By joking about suicide?

Look, fuckhead. By your joking, you are literally telling the kids who most need understanding and compassion that nobody cares about them. That their inner demons are worth joking about. That THEY are a joke.

And they deserve better than that. They deserve someone who understands them. They NEED someone who understands them.

Suicide is not a fucking joke. It is many things. Something different, maybe, to everyone who considers it. But one thing it is not, is a joke. For me, it was an escape route. The only way I could see to get away from my inner demons. When the inside of your own head is your own private corner of Hell on Earth, suicide looks like a viable option – a way out. For many others, it’s a cry for help.

But, what happens when those crying out for help read the bullshit Wallach posted? What message do they receive? That there is no help coming. That, in fact, nobody cares enough to help. To those who have never been there, that may seem like a jump. But trust me. it doesn’t take much to convince someone who already feels useless at best, and like the world would be better off without them at worst, that everyone else agrees.

Tommy Wallach, on two separate occasions, encouraged his own most vulnerable readers to commit suicide. And he is, to give him the benefit of the doubt, too stupid to even realize it. At least I’m hoping that’s his “excuse”. Because the alternative is that he knew damned well the kind of message he was sending and he didn’t fucking care.

And I’m trying really hard not to be cynical enough to think that. I’m trying really hard to not think that someone could be that callous. Though, that is hard in light of other things that have been said in the wake of all this.

And dear Gods, where to begin? Actually, I’m going to focus on the one that pissed me off the most. Let’s talk about the people calling those who attempt or commit suicide weak, and fragile.

You see, to someone that IS suicidal, calling us weak and fragile goes right back to what I said before about feeling like the world would be better off without you in it. Survival of the species requires that the strongest survive, right?

But, we are not weak. We are not fragile. It takes more strength than you could ever know to put down the gun or knife or razor blade, put away the medicine bottle, take off the noose, step away from the ledge. And believe me when I tell you that most of us HAVE done those things at least once.

So, fuck you, Tommy Wallach. Fuck you anyone who thinks this is a joke. Fuck you anyone who thinks that people like me are weak and fragile. There is a horrible, vindictive side of me that wants to tell you that if you think that you could really get into jumping off that bridge, maybe you should go ahead and do it. I admit that I tend to lash out, sometimes. It’s my way of protecting myself.

But, you know what? Maybe you SHOULD get out of the writing game. Especially out of YA. Get yourself, and your idiocy, away from kids and teenagers who deserve much better than you. Because you should not be talking to kids. You should not be influencing the most vulnerable demographic there is.

I’m going to get off my soap box, now. I will just close by repeating my title. I am not the fucking punchline to a fucking joke. I am not weak, or fragile. It took me years to get to a point where I, more often than not, do not believe that I am a waste of space and air that the world will be better off without. And I can’t let myself go back there.

Actually… I am not going to close this post with that. Instead, I am going to leave it with a message to anyone who is currently where I used to be. You are not alone. Whatever led you to where you are, there are others who have been there, who are currently there. There are others who understand. You are not a waste of space. The world would not be better off without you. Hang in there. Find someone to talk to. A therapist, or even an understanding friend. Do what it takes to get yourself through this in one piece. And feel free to tell people like Tommy Wallach and his trolls to go fuck themselves. Because you aren’t the punchline to a joke, either. You are not weak. You are not fragile. And you deserve better.

I’ve given up on coming up with creative titles for these posts. By definition I’m writing them right before bed when I’m fucking tired as fuck. (I swear a lot when I’m tired. Oh well. There’s swearing and sex and violence in my novels. Anyone who would be turned off by a little swearing isn’t going to like me, anyway.)

Anyway… Today was a bit of a bust on the productivity front. I did the write ups for two more scenes before work this morning. As well as fixing the numbering on the ones I had already done, and starting to fix the numbering on my scene cards in Scrivener. (Because the two scenes I wrote up today were ones that I didn’t have on my outline, yet, so the numbering is a bit of a mess now.) I planned on getting more done at work, today but… I forgot my notebook at home, and also forgot to set the file to offline mode in the dropbox app on my tablet. So, while I had the current version of the file, it was read-only. And my tablet does not have a data plan, so without wifi, there was no way to finish downloading it.

As for exercise, I got in 10,557 steps at work. Since forgetting my notebook was only one of many things that went wrong today, I… was too emotionally drained to bother with exercise. I don’t have work tomorrow so will hopefully be able to get up the energy to do one of my exercise videos. I’m going to need it with not having work to get my step count up.

I also didn’t bother with my Italian or Dvorak lessons. Tomorrow! I will start tomorrow!

All in all, today was kind of a dud. Oh well. Tomorrow is another day, as they say. See you then.

Okay, not the most creative title, but it is almost midnight and I am tired. I’m starting daily mini-posts to give updates on all my things I’m supposed to be doing every day, for accountability. So, here goes:

I don’t remember where I left off yesterday, but I currently have a total of 7 scenes that I have noted who is in the scene and why they’re there, the main conflict in the scenes, the purpose of the scene, and the “twist”. I’m kind of hoping to finish this step this weekend – and I currently have a total of 63 scenes to do this for. So… 63-7= 56? in three days? I can do it if I buckle down on it, I think.

According to my fitbit, I walked 13,067 steps, today. I didn’t get in any other exercise, but 13k steps is exercise enough, right?

Starting tomorrow, hopefully I will also be adding my Italian and Dvorak lessons to these posts. I really want to get going on those again. Especially the Dvorak. I have a spite goal for Nano of 250k – despite my Nano record when I wasn’t working full-time being less than 150k. November is going to be INSANE.

This post was originally longer, but I accidentally deleted like 2/3’s of it, and I’m pretty sure I didn’t even come close to properly recreating it. Oh well. I’ll be checking in again tomorrow night.